


What It Means To Be...

by Lady Clytemnestra (Lady_Clytemnestra)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-17
Updated: 2014-02-17
Packaged: 2018-01-12 21:01:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1200412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Clytemnestra/pseuds/Lady%20Clytemnestra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An AU, kind of... not quite, but sort of.<br/>Takes place during Equinox. All I can say (to avoid spoilers for the episode) is that Kathryn and Chakotay have a different conversation about Ransom and his decisions, taking the one about Kathryn's motives into account. This one takes place after they've both had time to cool off a bit. </p>
<p>Be warned: Kathryn doesn't play nice.</p>
<p>Very poor summary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What It Means To Be...

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PCBW](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PCBW/gifts).



"I'll admit, there are times, Chakotay..."   
She ran her hand over her face, leaned forward to rest her elbows on her knees.  
  
He waited quietly, listening to every breath, every pause.  
  
She sat up again, looked out at the stars.  
"There are times where it would almost... be easier to give in, yes."   
She brought her hand up to her chin, fingertips playing over her lips and cheek.  
"But that's not the truth of our world, is it?"  
  
He stepped closer.  
  
"No... No, the truth is much darker, much more... frightening."  
  
"Captain?"  
  
"Truth is... on days like today... when the whole crew is staring you in the face, waiting... on a command, a reprieve... a break... You just... you want it to be over. For just that second, you wish..."  
  
He looked down at his feet.  
"That you were somebody else."  
  
A dry chuckle fell out of her.  
"That too. You wish that you could just... disappear."  
She was lost to him for a few minutes, lost in thought, far away from him, from her ready room. Then she spoke again.  
"It's just so... damn hard." Another dry laugh, humorless.   
"But that's not our life, is it, Chakotay? It's not easy. We lose people. We lose resources... we lose ourselves. Eventually... we lose hope."  
  
"No," he interrupted, his voice firm. "Not this crew."  
He sat down beside her.  
  
"What makes us different, Chakotay? What makes us any better or smarter, or whatever quality you want to use, what makes us any different from them?"  
  
"From Ransom's crew?"  
  
She nodded.  
  
"They don't have you."  
  
She pursed her lips.  
"I'm being serious."  
  
"So am I. Very serious."  
  
She waited, surveyed his expression.  
  
"When have you ever let your fear cloud your judgement? Let it make you lose sight of getting them home? Your personal interests or judgements, yes, but fear? Not the void. Not when Seven defected to the hive mind. Not the Hirogen, not their twisted games, and I'll be damned if you let it stop you now."  
  
She was silent, her eyes hard.  
  
"You are not Ransom. And we are not his crew."  
  
"I am no different than Ransom."  
  
"You are different, Kathryn."  
  
"I'm not."  
  
"You are!"  
  
"I'm not!"  
  
"Kathryn--"  
  
"I want him dead, Chakotay. I want him to pay for what he has done. I told you that I am damned angry. I will not let them torture and kill innocent life forms to get home. I will not let his compromised ethics be the symbol of our world out here."  
  
"That's exactly my point!"  
He kneeled in front of her, gesturing vehemently.  
"You are different. He is willing to do anything to get his crew home. Anything. You will do what's right."  
  
She was shaking. Her voice and face were filled with rage and guilt.  
"I sentenced them to death."  
  
He lowered his head.  
"They don't see it that way."  
He looked her dead in the eye, determination unshaken.  
"We're a family, Kathryn. A unit."  
  
"And I am their leader."  
  
"But you're wrong!"  
He stood.  
"You may make the decisions, you may be their captain, but every single one of them made a choice, Kathryn. They chose to stay on Voyager, don't you forget that. They made a choice themselves-- they make it again everyday! Not a man, woman, or child aboard blames you for anything that has happened in this quadrant."  
  
She stood, began to speak, the same fire in her eyes.  
  
  
"Let me finish! The Caretaker brought us here. You saved a species. Anything that has happened after that is in the past, Kathryn. We can't do anything about it. But if you look at it, all of it, in detail, you know what I find?"  
  
She remained silent, tracking him with those stormy eyes.  
  
"A human being. A woman. A person who is doing what she can to get her people back home safely, and is not willing to compromise their humanity or conscience to do it. That is what it means to be a captain, Kathryn."  
  
"Are you finished?"  
  
He inclined his head.  
  
"I appreciate what you've said. I've thought a lot about what I have to do, the lengths I am willing to go to, to make sure that this crew--our crew--gets back home safely. I don't pretend to understand his decision, I don't like his decision, but I am asking you to respect mine."  
  
"I can't do that."  
  
She surveyed him again, some of the fire gone out of her.  
"Don't make me do this alone, Chakotay."  
  
"You're not alone, Kathryn. I don't respect it, I don't like it. And to be honest, I think it's a great way to get yourself killed. But I'll stand beside you. I always have. I'm not just your first officer anymore. I'm more than that now. And I can't let you in there alone."  
  
"He's not going to--"  
  
"I'm not afraid of what he can do."  
  
She drew herself up to her full height, all the fire back in a snap.  
  
He stepped closer, almost toe to toe.  
"I know you, Kathryn."  
  
"Oh? Why don't you tell me what you think I'll do?"  
  
He clenched his jaw, the muscles working.  
  
"Humor me," she said.  
  
"Alright. I think you're making a mistake. I think you'll put yourself on the line, just like always, and to hell with what the rest of us want or think or need. I think you'll find somebody in that crew and if you don't get what you want out of them, you'll take a shuttle in there yourself and hunt Ransom down. I think you don't give a damn about yourself, or how your actions affect the rest of the crew, how they affect me, because if you did you wouldn't be asking me to give you my blessing!"  
  
"Don't tell me I don't give a damn about them, Chakotay, every second I spend breathing I spend trying to get them home! And if I didn't give a damn about you, I wouldn't have asked you anything. I would've taken the damn shuttle. I would've left you to your thoughts on New Earth. You know what, Chakotay, let's pretend for one second that you do know me. What makes you better than anyone on his crew, if I'm such a threat and you have done nothing to stop me?"  
  
He recoiled, that muscle in his jaw jumping again.  
  
She rubbed her forehead, sighed, one hand at her hip.  
"You're right," she murmured after a time. "We're a family. But like it or not, Chakotay, that man is more like me than you know. I've made my decision."  
  
 He seemed to battle with something, fleeting expressions passing over his face, until finally he stepped forward and reached for her, drawing back at the last second.  
  
She caught his hand with hers, their eyes locked.  
  
"Let me do this," she pleaded.  
  
He squeezed her hand, let it go.  
"You talk to Seven about the nature of humanity, about letting the children get away from the collective, be individuals, be human. Make their own choices."  
  
"Make smart choices," she interjected. "Good choices."  
  
"Free will," he replied. "What it means to be human, right?"  
  
She nodded.  
  
"Letting you go in there would be letting you die. I'm worried you'll lose yourself. So at the first sign of trouble, I'm pulling you out of there."  
  
She smiled that small smile.  
"What it means to be First Officer, right? Don't worry."  
  
"No." He turned away, stood by the door. "That's what it means to be in love."   
He faced her, at attention now. His jaw was still twitching.  
"Permission to be dismissed?"  
  
She watched him, the air between them heavy. Slowly, incrementally, she nodded her assent.


End file.
